Mail Online; Tuesday September 7, 2010

CRAIG BROWN: Tony Blair's fairy tales: Little Red Riding Hood

By Craig Brown
Once upon a time, there was this little girl called Little Red Riding Hood. She was a great little girl, really great. But let me say this. She brought it on herself.
One day, she set off to visit her gran. Did she have to visit her gran? No. Did she want to visit her gran? Not necessarily. But did she set off to visit her gran? Yup.
Anyway, you get the point: she didn’t really want to go and see her gran but thought she’d better. Life’s like that. So she put on her little red riding hood (hence the nickname!) and set off into the woods.


 


Fairy tales: A wolf has to do to what a wolf has to do and make the most of the limited resources available to him at any given moment in time
You know something? To be frank, there’s not a lot you can do in a situation like that. On the one hand, you wanna go visit your gran. On the other hand, you’d rather not. But you do. Because something tells you that you must.
So there she was, Little Red Riding Hood, walking along, when up comes this wolf. He was a big wolf, and he was great. He was a great big wolf.
‘What are you doing here, little girl?’ he said.
‘I’m just off to visit my grandma,’ said Little Red Riding Hood. ‘But I’m late, so I’ll have to go now.’ And off she went. Was she a bit rude? Yes. Did the wolf forgive her? Yes. In this kind of situation, you’ve got to. There’s no role in this whole arena for vindictiveness.
So the wolf took a short cut and arrived at the grandmother’s house first. He didn’t like to keep people waiting. I respect the guy for it.
He knocked at the door. ‘Is that you, Little Red Riding Hood?’ said grandma.
‘Yes, grandma,’ replied the wolf, putting on Little Red Riding Hood’s voice. No sooner had Grandma let him in than he gobbled her up.
Decisive? Yes. Necessary? Probably.
Bold? Undoubtedly.
To be frank, there’s not a lot you can do in a situation like that, especially if you’re a wolf and feeling peckish. Sometimes people ask me what I really feel about the wolf. I tell them that, honestly, the wolf was a really great guy - a real team-player and a truly good bloke.



Take it from me. I know the wolf wouldn’t have eaten Grandma unless he felt it truly necessary. That’s the way things work in the woods. Only someone who can remember the outdated, class-based, destructively wolfist politics of the Seventies would ever argue otherwise.
So what does the wolf do next? He puts on gran’s nightgown and her nightcap and gets into her bed. Fair enough.
He was making the most of the limited resources available to him at any given moment in time, and what’s wrong with that? Little Red Riding Hood then comes upstairs, all puffed out, bearing a basket of goodies.
‘Come in, my dear,’ says the wolf. I’ve heard some people say the wolf was rude and thoughtless, but what I say to them is, look, this strikes me as a very, very thoughtful way to behave - letting a little girl into your bedroom when you’re probably desperate for a bit of a kip and some time on your own.
But he didn’t just sit back and keep himself to himself.
No, he wasn’t that kind of guy.
He was one of the most energetic and open people I ever knew, with time for everyone.
The truth is, that wolf was out in front, taking risks. And this was a time for risk-takers.
It’s easy for others with the benefit of hindsight to sit back and criticise after the event, but at that time the wolf was faced with a choice, and it was a choice that had to be made. So he sized up all the options and dressed up as her gran and invited her in.
A difficult choice? Yes. An unpopular choice? Maybe. But a choice that had to be made? Definitely.
And a choice that not many people - or wolves - would have had the guts to make.
When Little Red Riding Hood entered the bedroom, the first thing that struck her was that her gran seemed a bit odd.
‘Granny,’ she said, ‘What big ears you have!’
‘I’ll certainly take note of your comments.’
‘And what big eyes you have!’
‘I refer you to the reply I gave earlier.’
‘And what a big nose you have!’
‘Look, I frankly don’t want to waste much more time on this question.’
‘And what big teeth you have!’
‘All the better to eat you!’ The poor wolf had given her ample warning. In the circumstances, there was no path left open to him other than to gobble up Little Red Riding Hood.
Did she make a pleasant, nutritious snack? Not really. Was she a bit gristly? Certainly. But was it his duty to eat her? Absolutely. Whatever the Hood-based establishment may say.
You see, at heart, the Wolf was always a bit of a rebel!